Remember Me
by factionofagirl
Summary: After Allegiant, Tris is still grieving Tobias' death. She found the pain of his loss too much to bear and took the memory serum to erase everything of her past. In order to save her, he went into the Weapons Lab to release the memory serum and was shot by David. Things, however, are not what they seem.
1. Prologue

Tobias' POV

I watch as Tris' eyes and expression change and she looks like the girl I met years ago. The warmth, the ferocity return and I feel her lips on mine as our kisses become hungrier and intense with each one.

"I love you, Tobias." she murmurs and I feel my heart swell. I've waited what feels like forever to hear those words again. "I love you too, Tris." "Don't ever leave me again." she begs and I see her eyes grow wide.

"Never, I'm never leaving you again." I reply, knowing how much pain she must have had to endure when I left. It must have been incredible and I know that nothing would compare to how lost I would be without her.

Her pain was so great that she couldn't bear it so she sought to start over which meant taking the memory serum. The serum erased not only her memory of me, but everything that made her who she was, who she used to be.

I remember telling her once when we escaped to Amity that maybe for her to fight a serum, she had to want and I know that must be true now because she didn't fight it. I also remember being under a simulation when the attack on Abnegation took place. She helped me fight it, but her situation isn't like that.

For the first few weeks, I tried to see if she could fight it. Eventually, I begged and pleaded for her to but it didn't work. She started as a blank slate. No memory of Dauntless, her family, her name- everything. Over time, we have come back together. I helped her rebuild herself.

We started slowing with the factions then moved to the more complex topics like initiation. Caleb helped fill in her life before I met her with her childhood. Eventually, she started to slowly remember things like how her name in Dauntless was Tris or why I was called Four.

I found an old syringe of the serum and we went through both our fear landscapes. Hers had changed somewhat. Instead of having to kill her family, she faced having to watch me die and helplessly watch as there was nothing she could do.

I understood then why erasing everything was necessary for her. I don't know if I could live with that if the roles were reversed. I had to ensure it didn't so instead of her going into the Weapons Lab, I did.

I was gone for two years, unable to escape as I was starved, beaten, and tortured in between testing the simulations on me. I knew it didn't happen, but I had to watch Tris die repeatedly. It was horrible, but I can't imagine how it would have been if I had thought Tris was actually dead.

I suppose I should back up a little though and explain what happened, when our nightmare began.

Two Years Before

I twist and lunge toward the device. The gun goes off and pain races through my body. I don't even know where the bullet hit me.

I can still hear Caleb repeating the code for Matthew. With a quaking hand I type in the numbers on the keypad.

The gun goes off again.

More pain, and black edges on my vision, but I hear Caleb's voice speaking again. The green button.

So much pain.

But how, when my body feels so numb?

I start to fall, and slam my hand into the keypad on my way down. A light turns on behind the green button.

I hear a beep, and a churning sound.

I slide to the floor. I feel something warm on my neck, and under my cheek. Red. Blood is a strange color. Dark.

Can I be forgiven for all I've done to get here?

I want to be. I can. I believe it.

When I open my eyes next, I notice the sound of a monitor beeping steadily. I'm alone in a god awful hospital gown that's about three sizes too small for me. A man in a wheelchair rolls up to the side of my bed. David.

He tried to kill me, what does he want with me? Where's Tris? How long have I been out? "Hello, Tobias. Welcome back. You were in a coma for six months. Now, the real fun begins." he says with a devilish grin.

This is when my two year nightmare began. That is when I wished for and craved death. Death sounded kinder than being alive. Throughout my ordeal, I always thought of Tris, especially when she was in Erudite and felt she couldn't hold on.

For many nights, I finally understood that feeling. For many nights, I wondered how the others felt about my "death". Would they accept me when I turned out to in fact be alive?


	2. Like I'm Gonna Lose You

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope you're enjoying this fic so far. I have borrowed some from Allegiant again here so you'll see that in Italics. This is just to have some background to the story, but I don't own any of the Divergent series or its characters. Enjoy!**_

Two Years Before

Tris' POV

I race back to the compound to meet up with Tobias as I promised to see him later. He felt that I should find Uriah's family to protect me and Caleb would go into the Weapons Lab to set off the Memory Serum.

I admit that I don't like this plan, knowing the risks but Tobias insisted and I found it difficult to argue with him otherwise.

_We drive past the fences and stop by the front doors, which are no longer manned by guards. We get out, and Zeke seizes his mother's hand to steady her as she shuffles through the snow. As we walk into the compound, I know for a fact that Caleb succeeded, because there is no one in sight. That can only mean that they have been reset, their memories forever altered._

_"Where is everyone?" Amar says._

_We walk through the abandoned security checkpoint without stopping. On the other side, I see Cara. The side of her face is badly bruised, and there's a bandage on her head, but that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is the troubled look on her face._

_"What is it?" I say. Cara shakes her head. "Where's Tobias?" I say. "I'm sorry, Tris." "Sorry about what?" Christina says roughly. "Tell us what happened!"_

_"Tobias went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb," Cara says. "He survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but he . . . he was shot. And he didn't survive. I'm so sorry."_

I find the news difficult to comprehend and my breathing quickens. Tobias died? He died for me so that I could live? I sink to my knees and let out a gut-wrenching sob. Why? Why? That is what I want to know.

I find it difficult to breathe or to think as my eyes become red and puffy from sobbing. When I think I am done, another strangled cry escapes me. It feels wrong knowing I am alive and he is not. Those words he muttered to me in Erudite resurface: "You die, I die."

After my parents' deaths, I wanted to die and join them but now I also want to join him. Sometime later, I go to see him- his body- and am struck by how pale and lifeless he is. Those blue eyes and strong muscular arms that were my refuge for so long are cold and limp.

I go to kiss his forehead one last time as a stray tear rolls down my cheek and I stand, hoping for him to be revived as he is still.

I walk around the compound aimlessly, unable to think of anywhere in particular when a familiar voice catches my attention. Caleb. "Beatrice?" _I turn away from the voice, searching for an escape route._

_"Wait. Please," he says. I don't want to think about how he died for such a miserable coward, about how he wasn't worth his life. His hair is unwashed and unkempt, his green eyes bloodshot, his mouth twitching into a frown._

_"I don't mean to bother you," he says. "But I have something to tell you. Something ... he told me to tell you, before ..." "Just get on with it," I say, before he tries to finish the sentence. "He told me that if she didn't survive, I should tell you . . ." Caleb chokes, then pulls himself up straight, fighting off tears. "That he didn't want to leave you."_

I_ should feel something, hearing his last words to me, shouldn't I? I feel nothing. I feel farther away than ever. "Yeah?" I say harshly. "Then why did he? Why didn't he let you die?"_ I watch as he stands there silently with no response to the question. Truth be told, I don't know if I actually want the answer, but I can't look at his face without thinking of how he betrayed me once again.

"You've managed to do it again. Hurt me, betray me, manipulate me, and kill another person I love. You might be my brother, but I do not want to see your face right now so leave or else I won't hesitate to hurt you all over again and this time, it won't just be a punch to the jaw." I spit and he leaves.

When I am alone, I feel a heaviness in my chest and raise a hand to my mouth to muffle a sob. The sob increase so I am breathing heavily and unable to stop them. Breathe, just breathe I tell myself. I go with Uriah and his family to support them as he is unplugged then leave.

I am tired of being me. I am tired of being in pain, to have to remember losing the love of my life. I want to start over as a blank slate. I don't want to remember the people I've hurt, those I have lost. I take a truck from the Bureau and return to my home in Abnegation where everything began. I want to have a new identity.

I take the vial of memory serum from my pocket. I know that one vial will erase most of my life, but it will target memories, not facts. I will still know how to write and how to speak because that data was stored in different parts of my brain. But I won't remember anything else.

This what I want; to forget my past where I am not Beatrice Prior, Tris, or anyone important. I think of what Amanda Ritter said in the video inviting us outside the fence. There is much I am happy to forget too.

My palms shake as I open the vial and lift it to my mouth. I swallow and feel everything wiped away. My name, my memory. I have nothing left and everything to start over. Maybe this time will be different, maybe this time I can begin again.


	3. Here Without You

Tobias' POV

Two Years Before

I wake alone with David near me. He is joined by a team of guards that hold me down despite my best attempts to thrash against them as I am injected. I gasp as I realize the syringe is full of gray liquid- the terror serum Jeanine once injected Tris with.

The quickness of my heartbeat and the dryness of my mouth are the first things I notice. I can't breathe, I can't think. I see Tris appear and even though I know she isn't real, watching what happens next is heartbreaking. I feel my heartbeat in my ears as instead of me, I have to watch her get shot by David and bleed out.

The simulation ends and I feel my body relax and my eyes grow heavy. When I reopen my eyes, I'm alone again but I can't open the door. I manage to kick it down and try to run, but I am lost in the maze of the Bureau.

I make it to the cafeteria where I try to search for Tris or any of our friends, but I don't find anyone. No one except David who this time injects me with a serum himself before I am able to evade it.

I find myself in the all too familiar Dauntless compound where I was running the attack simulation. This time, however, Tris isn't able to stop me and we fight until I end up killing her. My gun is the one that shoots her in the head and I watch horrifyingly as her body slumps to the ground, dead.

I killed her. I know it wasn't real, but it felt real. Where is she now that I am dead? I remember thinking she was dead and had been killed in Erudite before I saw her again. Does she knew that I didn't want to leave her even if I have not really died?

As I try to regain my bearings, locked in a room alone again, I try to think of our best memories together. I think about when she was the first jumper and how no one thought she would survive initiation. She was so strong, so fierce, and determined though.

I remember saving her from Al, Drew, and Peter and how badly I wanted to kill each of them. I remember sitting with her near our spot near the chasm, playing capture the flag, and being forced to throw knives at her.

As the memories surface, I find it hard not to think about how I may not see her ever again if I don't escape this place. No, I can't think like that. I have to make it out of here. I have to survive this; if not for me then for her.

She seemed so fixated on dying in a way for self-sacrifice the past few weeks. She wanted to in a way that I thought was reckless and needless, but I think now about how I want to survive for her, for our life together.

The room I'm stuck in is small and it's hard to keep my thoughts off of that. I have never liked tight, enclosed spaces especially when I am alone. Tris went through my fear landscape once during her initiation. She told me to try to focus on her heartbeat when we didn't know each other that well yet.

I wish that I had gotten more time with her, knowing that we only were able to have one official date together in the midst of the war going on. I do know that she and the others are safe as we were successfully able to stop the mass reset of Chicago.

I remember something Johanna said once about when you take away one's memories, you change who they are and I am grateful that if nothing else, I am still me. I can remember moments of joy, excitement, and heartache.

I wonder what life is like without the factions now, the one that Evelyn worked so hard to bring about. Is it terrifying or is it free? I do not know who I am without being Four, the legend and the initiation instructor, or Tobias, the son, friend, and boyfriend.

Tris once told me that I could be Four, ruthless instructor or caring boyfriend but not both. I chuckle at the memory as I begin pacing the room, unable to quiet my mind. I am broken out of my thoughts when I see David wearing a devilish grin enter the room.

"Hello Four, did you miss me? You know you aren't going to escape that easily from me, right? I have a surprise for you." he says before I am held against the wall with my back exposed and a belt thrown across it.

I turn my head slightly to look, but I am outnumbered by David, the guard beating me, and the other holding my shoulders in place. I don't have an opportunity to run or otherwise stop them, so I grit my teeth and bear it while the beatings continue.

When the guard finishes, I can feel several deep cuts on my back that are bleeding as everyone leaves. It causes me to think back to the abuse I endured with Marcus. There were times when the pain and blood loss made me go unconscious which is what I feel happening now.

I'm dizzy and tired though I try to force myself stay awake. I can't black out yet, I tell myself, and feel like I must at least continue trying to hold on. I'm Four, I'm strong, and I can handle anything.

Well, almost anything that is. I hold one of the bed posts trying to steady myself, but I am not strong enough to stay standing now. I drop to my knees, hoping to have the pain and dizziness subside but instead they increase and everything goes black.


	4. Missing You

Tris' POV

A Year and A Half Before

It's been six months since I began the process of rebuilding myself. Christina tells me that my name used to be Beatrice or Tris when we lived in Dauntless, but neither one sounded good to me so she's been calling me Six. I don't know why anyone would want a number for a name, though.

She said that she found me alone after I had taken something called memory serum. I did supposedly after this guy I loved called Four died. I don't remember much of my past, I guess because of it. The only thing I have come to realize is that whatever happened, losing him must have been incredibly painful and I couldn't bare to live without him.

Christina tells me that both my parents died in a war and that I have a brother named Caleb who betrayed me when I was somewhere called Erudite. Our society used to be divided into factions which were sections of society dedicated to certain virtues like selflessness or honesty.

We don't have them anymore though so now everyone can live as they please. I was from Abnegation, the selfless faction, and transferred into Dauntless. I was pretty good there I guess and that's where I met Four.

Today, Christina and I returning to Dauntless to see what it looks like now and go through something called a fear landscape. She thinks it might help me remember more about myself, but I am not so sure.

She jumps onto a train and reaches a hand out to help me on, but I land the jump almost perfectly. I must have had to jump onto a moving train before, but I cannot think of any possible reason why someone would want to do that.

We reach what Christina calls Dauntless Headquarters and jump off the train onto a roof. This is weird. I mean I know that Christina said that Dauntless was a faction that tried to eradicate cowardice and fear with bravery, but I'm not sure what jumping onto a roof has to do with it.

She tells me that we have to jump off the ledge of the roof to get inside and during our initiation, I jumped first. All I can see a large hole underneath where we are going to jump. I feel like I am flying as my body flows through the air.

I laugh as our bodies hit a net at the bottom, feeling that I have been here before but don't remember why. Something about it doesn't feel right this time, though that might just be the memory loss.

Christina takes me to the training room where much of our initiation took place. I notice mats, targets, knives, and guns everywhere in the room and carefully pick up a gun, load a bullet in place, and shoot at a target, hitting dead center.

I load and shoot more rounds, feeling electricity course through my veins. I see a chalkboard mounted on a wall with the name Tris next to the number one. Christina says that those were our rankings before we became members of Dauntless.

This place is so surreal and confusing for me with unexplained familiarity that I cannot figure out. It sounds like I have spent a lot of time here before, but I can't seem to remember any of what happened here. The place is quiet like it has been abandoned.

Christina takes me to a roaring waterfall called the chasm, but I don't want to be here. I don't know why, but being near it causes me to feel fearful and panicked. I rush down to a path where I sit by a rock where the chasm's cool water hits my ankles.

This feels familiar too for some reason, like it must have been a safe place. Christina finds me a couple minutes later and yells out "There you are! I wasn't sure where you were going, how did you know how to get here?" "I don't know, I just did. I don't remember anything here, but certain parts of it feel familiar." I answer.

"I didn't want to stay where we were by the chasm. It scared me. Do you know why it would?" I ask and she nods. "You were attacked there once during initiation. In stage 2, some of the initiates tried to hang you over it and Four saved you. Let's go see Four's apartment while we're here and then we'll go to the fear landscape room." she says as I follow her.

We walk into a large, abandoned apartment that belonged to Four. The walls are bare except for the words "Fear God Alone" spray painted in red on a wall. Fear God Alone, I think, what does that mean?

I notice a bed with a blue quilt with a familiar masculine scent, though I can't pinpoint it. I know it is "Four's", but I don't know who that is. I was Six and he was Four, yet I don't understand what that means.

Christina finds a photograph of Four that she shows me. He has short dark hair, cool blue eyes, and a spare upper lip. I recognize him, it makes sense to me now. Tobias Eaton, four fears. He came from Abnegation, but used the name Four to create a new identity.

"Christina, that's Tobias." I gasp and she nods. "You remember him now?" she asks. "A little, just who he was. Nothing else really." I answer. We leave his apartment and she takes me to the fear landscape room.

I find one of the syringes with the orange liquid I recognize and plunge the needle into my neck. I don't know why I do, I just do automatically without thought. The world around me fades away as I am alone in a field attacked by crows. I end up shooting them off me as I find myself in a clear plastic box.

Water trickles in and I break the glass. Next, I am tied to a post as people carrying torches burn my flesh. Rain clouds form and the moisture frees me. I am alone once again as ocean waves threaten to drown me. I reach dry land again as I see Tobias and a voice tells me I have to shoot him.

I refuse and shoot myself instead. The last fear is the worst though. I watch as Tobias is shot and have to watch helplessly as he bleeds out and dies. This is the feeling I must have been tried to escape when I erased my memory. It is a desperate, horrible feeling to have and for once, I'm relieved to not remember anything else about him.

_**A/N: Hope everyone is having a great weekend. I'll be writing 6 month updates for Tris and Tobias after the next chapter until they are reunited. **_


	5. Make You Feel My Love

_**A/N: Hey readers, sorry for the long overdue update. This chapter uses some of the lyrics from "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" by Meghan Trainor, but I don't own them, Divergent, or any of its characters. Enjoy!**_

A Year Before

Tobias' POV

I've been trapped in the Bureau for a year now, according to the makeshift calendar I keep. It's made of tally marks, like the ones people make in prison. It's fitting, I suppose. There are a set of 73 set in total in groups of five.

I assume that would make me 19 now though I don't know when my birthday is really and Tris 17. I miss her more than anything, but I would rather ensure this torture myself rather than her. At least, I know that she is safe.

David has kept me locked in here, tortured, beaten, and tested on. My sleep typically involves several nightmares a night and waking offers no relief. I want to be out of here, free with Tris again. Sometimes the serums cause fears about her or my nightmares do.

The most recent ones involve her death or that she has moved on, smitten with someone else so she doesn't want me anymore. I hope neither are true, but they can be strong and difficult to fight against even when I know they aren't real or probably aren't.

Does she think about me as much as I think of her? I don't know since it's been a year now if she would, but I hope she's happy anyway. I know from the limited amount of information I have that the factions don't exist anymore.

That's hard thing to think about as well since being Four has always been a part of my identity. Who am I if I am not Four, the Dauntless or Four the Divergent? Who am I just as Tobias? Do I insist on still being called Four or does he no longer exist?

I don't know, but I ponder the answer as David walks in. He's recovered and walks normally without needing his wheelchair. I'm not sure I can say the same though, I feel like year I have been here has aged me incredibly.

"Good morning, Tobias." David tells me and I growl "Good for you, you mean. Are you ever going to let me out of here?" "No. You are too valuable to me to allow that. Nice try, though." he answers before injecting me with the all too familiar syringe.

My eyes close and everything darkens for a minute until I am alone and see Tris in the chair where the innocent woman once sat. There is a gun on the table with a single bullet. I want to get this over with as soon as possible even though I dread it.

My palms sweat and my fingers tremble as I load the bullet into the chamber then click it into place. I look away from her as I aim and pull the trigger and hear her body land with a thud to the floor. Dead.

The simulation ends after that thankfully, but it takes awhile to calm myself from what I've just done. I know it wasn't real, but I don't like it. I am not my father, I do not like to cause people needless pain.

I laugh, thinking of the time Eric made me throw knives at Tris. She was so angry, so upset that I participated in something like that. She accused me of being sadistic. I am not evil, not sadistic though and I hope she knows that now.

I found an old notebook and pen not too long that I keep hidden from everyone that I record memories and thoughts in. Sometimes, the entries are only a few sentences long while others are longer and fill pages.

They are what helps me get by, writing and reading the stories of our lives. I began with choosing day when I first met Tris until my "death". I make a mental note to include the day of knife throwing and capture the flag.

I also write about what I would want our future to look like- the usual stuff with marriage and kids but small things too. Places for us to visit, things to do, etc. I hope to share it with Tris and our kids someday if we have any.

It's early to think about starting a family though especially as Tris is probably only 17 but it gives me something else to think about and hope for. I've thought and written about what our reunion may be like, something romantic and happy hopefully.

I've tried to think of different escape plans out of here, but I do not the Bureau well enough to know where to exit or how I would get back to Chicago. I think Amar would help me if he knew, but from what I have seen, he does not.

I tuck the pen into the coil of the notebook and hide them both under my mattress as David returns with lunch. A hamburger with ketchup, roasted vegetables, and some sort of fizzy drink. I finish everything quickly, remembering Tris' first meal in Dauntless, the way she was unsure of the meat set before her.

I think about everything I would give just to have one more day with her, what we would do. Did she know when I went into the weapons lab that it would be the last time we would see each other? I wish I could redo that day and several others when I didn't appreciate her enough, when I fought for her. The way I would have treated her if I knew it was goodbye. _So I'm gonna love you, Like I'm gonna lose you_

I've pictured that last moment in my mind countless times, what I would do and say. _I'm gonna hold you, Like I'm saying goodbye. _I think of everything I would say to her now too if I could, but fantasy can only distract you from reality for so long and my mind shifts back to the present. So _I'll kiss you longer, baby, Any chance that I get, I'll make the most of the minutes, And love with no regrets._


	6. Numb

A Year Before

Tris' POV

It's been a year since Tobias has died, according to Christina anyway. I still don't remember him much, but I suppose it is better that way since I don't have to suffer losing someone I loved. He died for me, she says though I am still numb from everything.

Today, we are returning to Dauntless headquarters where we plan to spread his ashes over the chasm. He has sat on the mantle in my house far too long and we need to move on. I haven't met anyone else so I must have loved him an incredible amount.

I loved him so much that I couldn't bare to remember him, the loss devastating. At least, this is what I tell myself. I'm still young, barely seventeen as far as I can tell so it shouldn't be hard to start over with someone else later on if I want.

Christina told me my parents also died in the war though I don't remember them much either. Starting over as a blank slate is best sometimes, it shields you from the pain of knowing what you lost as though those people never existed.

I know it probably sounds wrong to think this way, but I prefer it. I killed Will, Christina's boyfriend, during the war too. I don't remember what I did nor do I have to live with the guilt. I've apologized to Christina though I don't know what I did and I don't want to know.

I am new, reborn with my previous life finished. It does not sound like something I would want to have anyway from what I have heard. It's given me a second chance to be at peace, to live without guilt, sorrow, or regret.

Christina enters my living room and asks "Ready to go?" I nod, holding the urn with his ashes. I suppose that I should feel something- grief, sadness, anything really- but I don't. I am numb, devoid of all emotion, good or bad, as we walk towards the train.

We jump on together, sitting side-by-side as the train moves slowly towards Dauntless. "Tris, do you remember him?" Christina asks and I feel tears cloud my vision as I blink them away. "No and I asked you not to call me that. I am Six." I reply.

Unable to quell her curiosity, Christina asks "Do you want to?" and I shake my head. "But you guys were so good together, in love I mean. I remember Will and I know it hurt to lose him, but I didn't want to lose the good memories we had together too. You must want to deep down." she tells me.

I open my mouth to say something, to tell her she's wrong but I can't really. I know that she is right, as much as I hate to admit it. Good and bad memories would be better rather than none at all. Maybe then I could feel something, anything really instead of nothing at all.

I do want to remember him, but I am not sure I could handle knowing he is dead anyway. I can't think of anything to say, to contradict what she said so I stay silent until it's time for us to jump off the train onto the roof.

Jumping like this feels strange to me. Why would anyone want to do something like this on purpose? I don't understand, but I must have at some point if I lived here. When we get inside, I notice how everything looks much the same as last time.

It's abandoned, untouched though it seems to make it seem sacred in a way. We walk slowly until we are standing at the site of the chasm. The roar of the water is loud, but the waves are incredible to watch.

I open the top of the urn and reach as high as I can as the ashes pour out and become incorporated with the fast moving water. He is truly gone now, physically and from my memory. Another life ended. A lot of people died in the war, according to Christina, but releasing the ashes felt different like watching him fade permanently.

I am quiet as my mind tries to process what my body has just done. I want to feel something desperately, crying or something normal but I don't. Christina has tears but I cannot feel anything even from what I've done.

I wonder if this makes me cold and heartless. I don't want to be. I don't know who I am now. I do not know my family, who my favorite teacher was growing up, or any of my past. I don't know Tobias or how I fell in love with.

Do I want to know or is it better not to know as I can avoid the inevitable heartbreak. I do not want to know what loss is. I do not want to feel grief, yet I know that I want to know my past at the same time. The conflict continues in my mind as we leave the chasm and head home.

I leave what used to be my normal surroundings that seem foreign now. Did I belong here? How? I know that I chose Dauntless from what Christina has told me about the choosing ceremony. I was Dauntless. I was Abnegation, but I do not know what I am now.

Is it better to have your mind erased of all the pain and hurt you caused in your life and not remember it? Or is it better to know yourself and what you have done with all of your memories, good or bad? I do not know.

I want to know on some level, but I don't on another. Sure, there could be some good and happy memories to have, but there could be bad and painful ones and that is what stops me from wanting to know my past.

I'm okay with starting over and leaving the past behind, I think.


	7. Monster

**A/N: Hey readers, hope you're enjoying this story! This chapter eludes to some domestic violence/abuse and child abuse so you may want to skip this chapter if you're sensitive to that. It also includes some lyrics to "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol, but I don't own them, Divergent, or its characters. Also note that the notebook Tobias is keeping will be important in later chapters for obvious reasons. Enjoy!**

Six Months Before

Tobias' POV

I have been in the Bureau now for a year and a half according to the tallies I keep. I have never wanted out more than I have now. I want to go back to my old life with Tris and my friends. I want to be somewhere familiar that is not here.

My eyes focus on the door, expecting David to come in but I am taken aback by who I see instead. It's Matthew. What is he doing here? What does he want with me? "Hello Tobias, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here." he greets and I nod as he continues.

He lowers his voice as he says "I have a plan for getting you out of here. I'm sure that you are eager to. It's December right now, but in six months, in June, David will be gone for a week on vacation in Milwaukee."

He pauses then tells me "I know if seems like a long time for you to wait, but I think it's our best shot. Once the coast is clear in June, I will have you wear a hat and some other clothing to disguise your face and help you walk out of here as soon as I can. What do you say?" he asks and I am speechless.

I could really get out of here? I can go back to Chicago and be free of David? I chuckle "I'm ready when you are." knowing that this will probably be the longest six months of my life. Now I have something to look forward to though if we can pull this off without David knowing.

June means it will be summertime when I get out so I can enjoy being outside. I think of all the outdoor dates I can take Tris on- a picnic, the ferris wheel, a walk in the park- and I sigh. I feel hopeful for the first time since I have been here though and that means so much.

I just have to get through the next six months. I'm tough. I can do this, I remind myself. I remember something I heard once about strength. You never know how strong you are until it is the only choice you have and it could not be more true than right now.

I have to get through this. I have to make it back to her, no matter what. She is worth it. She is why I hold on. I can have that life with her, the one I have dreamt about for real. Happiness swells within me as I think of what I will do when I see her again.

_We'll do it all, Everything, On our own. _I would give anything to be with her again. I wouldn't need it to be anything special other than the opportunity to be together again, reunited and happy. She is the reason I stayed in Dauntless, why I was willing to sacrifice my life to save hers. Everything.

_We don't need, Anything, Or anyone. If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

Six months means about 180 more days to endure. Thirty-six more sets of five tally marks. 864 hours. It feels so long, but I have already been here for over a year so it can't be too much longer, right?

As I am lost in my daydream, David enters the room and injects me with a serum. This one is more terrifying than the others as I find myself back in an Abnegation home with Tris. It should be happy and peaceful, but it's not.

I see my reflection in the mirror and I am taken aback. I am no longer afraid of Marcus; I am now afraid of becoming him. My eyes are replaced with the black pits that Marcus used to have in my simulations, but now they are mine.

I cringe as I watch what happens next. I undo the bell from my pants and order Tris to stand so she's facing the wall. Her back is bare as the bell swings from my hands and pelts her over and over until she falls unconscious.

Just when I think it can't get any worse, I hear a baby crying. Our baby, a little girl. 'I' shout at her to shut up and then when she doesn't, I yank her out of her crib and shake her as hard as I can until she stops crying, stops breathing, and goes unconscious.

I can't watch this anymore, so I try to calm my nerves and slow my breathing until it ends. I am nothing like my father. I am not him. I will never be him. I tell myself this, but it doesn't make what I just witnessed any easier.

I would never hurt Tris though, nor would I abuse my children like my father did to me. We may share DNA and some of our appearance, but that is where the similarities end. I do not ever want to hurt anyone like that.

My name is Tobias Eaton, son of Marcus Eaton, but I do not want to be him ever. I told Tris once that I wanted to be brave, selfless, intelligent, honest, and kind which could not be more true right now.

I want to be anything but evil and abusive. I vow that if we have children they will never know me as the kind of man my father was. They will know these ideals instead, they will know love and everything else I didn't get to experience in my childhood.

I want to build a family with Tris. I want to marry her someday. I want to go back to the way we were before Amanda Ritter; before the Bureau. I just have to make it until June. I have to if there's any hope for having a future with her.


	8. Blue Christmas

Six Months Before

Tris' POV

Today is Christmas and it is the first one I'll have ever celebrated coming from Abnegation. I helped Christina decorate a fresh evergreen complete with a star on top and we hung stockings. The whole thing is new to me, but I like it.

I turn on the coffee pot and make some fresh coffee while I wait for Christina to wake up. I am an early riser, always ready to start the day and she is not. I wonder what it would have been like to be able to celebrate with all of our family and friends. We are trying to make the best of it, but it feels like something or rather someone is missing.

Caleb is still alive, but I can't bring myself to visit him after everything he has done. I don't remember the exact details though Christina has helped fill in some of the blanks: His transfer to Erudite and assisting with the attack on Abnegation that killed our parents, helping in my torture in Erudite, and letting Tobias take his place in the weapons lab.

It's a lot to take in and I think my parents would want me to forgive him, but I am not ready yet. I don't think I could look at him the same. I know I have changed too. I watch out the window as the ground is blanketed in white, fluffy snow.

I decide to cook breakfast; nothing fancy but I make pancakes and bacon. The smell rouses Christina who yawns while rubbing her eyes. "'Morning, Tris." she murmurs and I nod with a smile as I push a plate of pancakes and bacon her way.

We eat silently and then go to the living room where the tree is. Christina insists we open each other's presents. I gave her a necklace and perfume she likes while I have a V-neck sweater dress and boots.

"We should go outside and have a snowball fight." Christina suggests. We bundle up and head to the backyard where we laugh and cover each other in snow. Later, we make snow angels and a snowman.

We head back inside and start a fire in the fireplace while making hot chocolate. We also watch some Christmas movies together and it's a nice, peaceful event. Later, my eyes grow heavy and I fall asleep quickly.

I dream of something that confuses me. I am with Tobias sitting near the chasm as he admits he likes me. He pulls me into a kiss and our lips meet. We tell each other "I love you" and he wraps his arm around me.

I don't whether this is a dream just with wishful thinking or if this really happened. It seems to have a strong feeling either way and I don't know which is right. Is my mind trying to compensate or not? I don't know what's real, but eventually surrender and fall back asleep.

I don't think about my dream much the next day, but Christina notices and asks what's wrong. There's no way to lie around her, Candor and all so I tell her about the dream. "I don't know if that happened or not as I didn't know you and Four; I mean Tobias, were dating until the end of initiation." she replies.

It felt so real though it might have been my mind wanting to have experienced something like that. Unfortunately, the only person I can think to ask would be Tobias but that isn't happening obviously and I feel something deflate within me.

Christina and I have to get to work anyway now that we both work at a nearby café. It's called The Chicago Café which was opened when the factions ceased to exist. I work as a waitress while Christina is the host.

It's not the best job in the world and the pay isn't great, but it gives us something to do rather than sitting around. A handsome dark-skinned man enters and asks to be seated alone. There is something that seems familiar about him though I can't figure out why.

I move to his table and ask what he'd like to drink and he replies "Iced tea for me please, Tris." Tris?! How does he know my name. It makes me feel on edge, but curiosity gets the best of me as I ask "How did you know my name?"

"I work for the Bureau outside the fence. We met a few times. My name is Matthew." he answers and I am left feeling even more confused. I move to fill his glass with tea as I whisper for Christina to come over.

"Who is he?" I ask quietly pointing his way. "That's Matthew, he helped us to stop the memory serum from being released in Chicago. You remember the Bureau, outside the fence that watches us? That's how we met him." she tells me.

The wheels begin to turn in my head as I struggle to process this, but I try to refocus on my job and give Matthew the tea. I take his order and bring the ticket to the kitchen so they start preparing his food. While I'm waiting, I take a quick drink of water.

Afterward, I deliver the food and wait until he's finished to bring the check. He finishes quickly, pays, and leaves without another word. He tipped well, 20% but it's what else he wrote on the check that has me alarmed.

It reads _Tobias is alive! I'm going to help him escape from the Bureau in six months- June. _I can't believe my eyes and comprehend what I've just read. Tobias is alive? He isn't dead? How can that be? I don't understand and I find Christina to show her. Her eyes widen and we steal a glance at each other, both unable to explain what this means.


	9. Reunited

_**A/N: This chapter has a couple references borrowed from the Hunger Games trilogy, but I don't own THG, Divergent, or any of their characters. Enjoy!**_

The Day Of

Tobias' POV

Today is the day! David is leaving for Milwaukee which means I am going to try to escape today with Matthew's help. Matthew told me in December that he located Tris. She's working as a waitress in a café now called The Chicago Café and knows I am alive.

I can't wait to see her; to hold her and kiss her for real. Does she miss me as much as I miss her? I focus on the plan though. Matthew confirms that David has left and has been gone for at least an hour. I let out a breath as I retrieve the notebook I've kept and follow Matthew as he guides me outside.

He locates a car for me, gives me the keys to it, and directions on where to go. Here goes nothing, I think as I turn the key and push the pedal down to urge the car forward. Wait for me, I'm coming Tris!

I make it past the fence that Dauntless used to guard and make my way back to Chicago. Home, I'm coming home. I drive to the café Matthew directed me to and park the car, putting the key in my pocket and the journal on the dashboard so I don't forget it.

I take a deep breath as I walk inside and look for Tris. It doesn't take me long to find her: hair in a tight-upper bun, those striking blue-gray eyes, and a look of surprise when she notices me. "Tris." I whisper softly as I gently caress her face.

I am taken aback when she flinches and pushes me away. "Tris? Don't you remember me? I'm Tobias." I ask, confused by her reaction. "I don't remember you, Tobias. I know your face, but I don't remember much about you otherwise. When I thought you were dead, I couldn't handle it and I took the memory serum." she answers.

"I'm sorry, Tobias. It was too painful to live without you so I erased you and all of the bad memories of losing people like my parents and started over. Please don't be mad at me, I really did think you were dead." she says shakily and I resist the urge to hold her in my arms.

I nod quietly, not know how I would've reacted if the roles were reversed. I remember about the notebook I've kept and make a mental note to let Tris read it later. The girls are allowed to leave early, so I grab the notebook and walk with them knowing the streets of Abnegation are still probably rough and unpaved.

No one says a word on the way to the house though I'm sure they have a million questions running through their minds like mine does. We reach the house where Christina leaves Tris and I alone for the night and promises to return in the morning.

We enter the house silently as I place the notebook on the counter and tell her "I know you don't remember, but while I was in the Bureau I wrote all the memories I had of us. The back has some of my journal entries and some of my hopes and dreams for us. You can read it if you want."

"Okay, you can go take a shower while I start reading." she answers and I smile. "Are you saying I stink?" I ask with a chuckle. "No, but you probably need one anyway. I'll put out some clothes and a towel for you after." she says and I close the bathroom door while waiting for the shower water to heat up.

I throw my old shirt off and see the cuts on my back have healed over the original ones. I step into the shower and see dirt and old blood quickly flow down the drain. I dry off with the towel Tris left me and put on a blue shirt and dark jeans.

When I step into the living room, I notice Tris reading intently. Her eyes show a mixture of curiosity and sadness as she notices me there. "Hey" I say softly as I notice her lip quivering slightly. "Hey" she replies not quite meeting my eyes.

"I must have loved you a lot." she whispers, setting the book down for now. "You did and I suspect that you still do. Even if you don't remember me yet. Which part of the book are you on?" I ask, trying not to get emotional myself while thinking of our past and the "old" Tris.

"The part where I had to fight Peter and you left the room because it wasn't something you wanted to watch, Tobias. I know who I think you were and are, but I don't know myself anymore. When I took that serum, starting over was a relief, but now it's terrifying to not know so much about my life." she tells me and I exhale for a moment before responding.

"You're brave and selfless. You were and I think still are willing to sacrifice anything to protect the people you love and care about. You always surprised me as an initiate and my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend, we were together for a long time?" she asks quietly. "After I saved you from Al, Drew, and Peter until that day I "died". We'll take it slow though, I'll wait for you as long as it takes.." I answer.

It's true that while I want nothing more than Tris to transform back to the person I knew, I know it will take time for us both to adjust and heal. "I want to remember I do, but I know that it won't be easy to. It's going to take time and I don't know if you can wait forever." she murmurs.

"I also don't know why, but I really want to kiss you right now. I'm not ready for anything more yet, but would you-?" she asks and I cut her off as our lips meet. I let her take the lead as she runs her fingers through my hair and pulls me into a kiss full of passion and longing that leaves us breathless.


	10. Again

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope you had a great weekend! This chapter shows some of what Tobias has written which I will include some throughout the fic. It will be mostly scenes of Divergent in his POV. Hope you like reading them, I don't own anything from Divergent though including its characters. Enjoy!**_

The Next Day

Tris' POV

It's been quite a shock since Tobias showed up yesterday after we all thought he was dead for two years. He's been so sweet and patient with me about everything so far and I do think that I must have loved him a great deal.

I mean, I still don't remember much about him, but I've been told that losing him was too difficult for me to live with so I must have loved him, right? Since he's still asleep and curiosity gets the better of me, I sit on the couch and begin reading from where I left off.

It reads:

_I hated having to watch the fight and I left when I couldn't watch anymore. I didn't like seeing her get hurt even when I wasn't totally sure of how I felt about her. The next day, I took the initiates on the field trip to the fence. Peter, Drew, and Molly were mocking Tris and her friends bickered in return to defend her._

_I found Tris chatting with Robert who she said was an old neighbor and told her that I was afraid she had a knack for making unwise decisions while I carefully touched some of the bruises beginning to show on her face. The train came before I was tempted to do anything else luckily._

_A couple of days later, we woke the initiates for a game of Capture the Flag, a Dauntless tradition. Eric and I were the team captains. He let me pick my team members first and I chose Tris, uttering "I want the Stiff."_

_I don't know why I chose her first exactly. Part of it was that I did not want her to end up on his team obviously and I had been watching her. Even from the beginning, she fascinated me with the way she was unwilling to feel intimidated by anyone- even me._

_I led my team to the carousel where everyone began bickering while I noticed Tris walking towards the ferris wheel. Heights terrify me, but for some reason I found myself following her. It went something like this:_

_Me: I came to see what you're doing._

_Tris: I don't think I'm doing anything. I'm seeking higher ground._

_Me: Okay, I'm coming._

_Tris: You don't have to follow me, I'll be fine._

_Me: Undoubtedly._

_She was always so stubborn that one._

I look up and see Tobias staring back at me. "Good morning." I murmur softly. "Good morning. Reading something good?" he teases and I laugh. "Just the time we climbed the ferris wheel together during the capture the flag game." I answer.

We cook breakfast together and Tobias tells me about something he remembered hearing about in the Bureau. There is a serum developed by the Erudite that was used by those who had their memories erased that helped them regain the memories they had lost.

He wonders if it could help. It has to be taken in gradually increasing doses as to not overwhelm you, but it could be worth a try. I tell him that I'll think about it, but I want to see and climb the ferris wheel again first.

"I know you don't like heights, but do you think you could come with me?" I ask. "Of course. I'd do anything for you, Tris." he grins and I feel his love for me even in his words. I have not allowed anyone else to call me Tris, but there is something endearing about the way he says it.

He is mine and I am his. I get dressed and put my hair up then jump on a train as he helps pull me in. "I don't remember much of our past still, Tobias, but I think I still love you too. There is something I feel when I am around you that I can't explain." I tell him as we ride the train.

"I'm glad, you can't imagine how much I have missed you. How many times I didn't think I would ever get to see you again." he replies before telling me we need to jump. He tells me that the place we are at is called the Navy Pier.

It uses to be an old theme park where people rode rides like the ferris wheel for fun. I jump on a bar of the scaffolding of the ferris wheel to test it will hold our weight and it does so I start climbing with Tobias behind me.

I climb until we are a good height away from the ground and enjoy seeing how things look from up here. I don't remember being here before though. "Thank you for bringing me back here, Tobias." I say, kissing his cheek.

"You're welcome, Tris. But do you mind if we get down from here?" he laughs though I can tell he's clearly uncomfortable and nod. I agree to head to Erudite afterwards, though I am not sure whether Caleb will be there.

I know we have to go. We have to try so I can get anything from memory back of him. I want to know what I was like; what we were like before. If my instincts are right, we had a long history together in our relationship.

Tobias reassures me that he will be with me, he will help keep me safe, and he has and will always love me. We jump off the train together and I take his hand as we walk inside. It is only when I hear a voice saying my name that I become alarmed.

"Beatrice?" it asks and I am looking at who I feared meeting. It's Caleb.


	11. Hello

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope you're having a fabulous weekend! This chapter has some references to the Divergent and Hunger Games trilogies, but I don't own either of them. Enjoy!**_

Tobias' POV

The Next Day

"Beatrice, is that you?" a familiar voice asks as he comes into view. "Who is that with you?" he asks, looking at me as he turns white as a ghost. "Tobias? How? When?" he says flabbergasted.

"For the record, Caleb, it is me and you are a coward." Tris tells him bitterly. "My name is Tris and I don't trust you. You've betrayed me twice and I don't know if I can forgive you yet, but we need your help." she seethes and I chuckle to myself softly.

She was never one to beat around the bush; always so direct in what she wanted. I see that hasn't changed and it gives me hope that "my" Tris still in there. We spend several minutes explaining my "death", how she took the memory serum, and why we have to try to help her remember.

Caleb nods and sucks in a breath as he tells us that a reversal to the memory serum was developed. It can take several months for memory to return and it's experimental, meaning they do not know exactly how it works and how effective it is but he will help us get what we need.

He adds that they don't know how it works on Divergents yet though we are all still willing to try. There is also a simulation serum that can used to induce sims that are actually memories we can use too. The memories aren't always good or happy ones so we need to be prepared.

Caleb gives me a syringe of memory simulation serum and brush Tris' hair away as she nods at me to inject it. I stick it into her neck and push the plunger down just like we did years ago during her initiation. "Be brave, Tris." I whisper, kissing her forehead.

Caleb told me how to watch the sims so I am seeing what she is seeing and wish I could look away. Al, Peter, and Drew attack her, a hand over her mouth and a blindfold covering her eyes. She screams both in the sim and out loud as she is pressed against the railing for the chasm.

I watch as I see myself beat Drew to a pulp then gently carry her over the railing and to my apartment. It's different seeing this and remembering everything that happened when she does not. I watch because I can't tear myself away from the screen.

Next, I see myself showing her my tattoo and her running her fingers over it. The simulation ends with us kissing in my apartment and then there is nothing, total darkness as Tris opens her eyes and I feel them staring into me.

"I'm sorry you had to relive that, but it was important for you to see. That's when our relationship started and I knew that I was beginning to fall for you." I tell her. "You saved me." she replies. "I did, Because that's what you and I do. We protect each other." I answer softly.

Caleb gives me more of the memory simulation serum and the reversal to the memory serum Tris should take daily. The doses should increase slowly with this week being one vial of the reversal serum a day and as many of the simulations that Tris can tolerate.

"Thank you for staying with me, Tobias." Tris whispers softly to me as we walk home. "You're welcome, Tris, but you don't need to thank me. I love you." I reply. We return home and I see Tris reading the notebook, deeply engrossed in whatever she is reading.

"Hey beautiful, where are you at with the book?" I ask gently, not wanting to pry but unable to dismiss my curiosity. "The part where you threw knives at me. You didn't like that much, did you?" she questions, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I didn't but Eric made me do it. You thought that I was taunting you the whole time and accused me of being sadistic like him." I laugh, reliving the memory with her. I get up to shower before bed while she continues reading.

Tris has a solemn look when I return. She is fighting back tears as she tells me that she is at the part where her mom came to see her on Visiting Day. "I don't remember her much, but I wish I did some because I think we were close." she trembles and I resist the urge to pull her close.

"I only met her once, but your parents both died in the war. They chose to sacrifice themselves for you and Caleb. They loved you and I always will too." I tell her, wiping away her tears with my thumb and kissing her cheek.

"Tris, would it be okay if I held you for awhile?" I ask and she nods. I gather her in my arms as the tears flow from her eyes. We are both broken in more ways than one, but together we are whole again.

I don't know how long it will take for us to mend or how soon she'll get back to bring herself, but I don't care. We are together now and that is all that matters. I feel her go limp in my arms and carry her to bed bridal style.

I climb in next to her and hold her against me as I drift off to sleep as well. We wake the next morning and while I cook breakfast, I see that she has resumed reading. While I set the table, Tris tells me that she just read the part where she went through her first simulation and I walked her back to the dormitory.

After breakfast, she takes the memory reversal serum and agrees to try another memory simulation. I ask her if it's okay to make sure she's ready though I won't be able to watch this time or pull her out of it, so I make sure she knows this and move some stray hairs away from her neck as I inject her.

"Be brave, Tris." I whisper before her eyes close and she goes off into a memory of the past. I hate not being able to help her through it, but I know if has to be done too.


	12. Hanging by a Moment

_**A/N: Hi again! This chapter uses some lyrics from "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri in Italics and references some of Divergent at the end, but I don't own either of them. Enjoy!**_

Tris' POV

The Same Day

As soon as Tobias tells me to be brave, I feel my eyes close and I am in another memory. I won't always know where is my life I'll end up in a memory from Caleb warned and today's is no different.

I see myself wearing gray in a house like the one I'm in as my parents usher Caleb and I out to board the bus for the choosing ceremony. When we arrive, I notice that Marcus is hosting the ceremony and he makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason I can't explain.

I watch as Caleb cuts his hand with the knife and holds his hand over the bowl of clear water for Erudite. My mom squeezes my hand and whispers "I love you, no matter what." and I feel a lump in my throat form, but force myself to watch what happens next.

My simulation self cuts her palm and looks conflicted between the Abnegation and Dauntless bowls. I do drip my blood into the Dauntless bowl though and I watch as I join the Dauntless and follow them out. My mom smiles lightly, but my father looks angry.

I watch myself leave and jump on the train as a pretty, dark-skinned girl introduces herself to me. Christina. I notice an Erudite boy as well who says his name is Will. Christina holds hands with me as we jump from the train onto a roof.

A Dauntless leader named Max invites us to jump off the roof. "I" volunteer to jump first and land in a net at the bottom where a strong hand helps me up. As I stand up, he asks me my name and tells me I can pick a new name if I want.

"Tris." I tell him. "First jumper- Tris!" he shouts before leading me inside with an arm around me. "Welcome to Dauntless." he mutters as the simulation ends. I have learned a few important things: I was Abnegation then Dauntless, how Tobias, Christina, Will, and I met, that the name Tris was a new identity that I created for myself, and that I was hesitant to leave my old faction.

I love reading from Tobias' notebook, but being able to re-experience things for myself is amazing too. I wake to an expectant-looking Tobias as I tell him about my sim. I'm hesitant to ask him, but I want to know so I do. "Who is Marcus and why don't I like to be around him?"

Tobias sighs as he explains that Marcus Eaton is his father who abused him for years. Tobias transferred to Dauntless from Abnegation and was 18 when we met. All dependents were part of the choosing ceremony when they turned 16 and could join a new faction if they wanted.

I ask Tobias about our former relationship too. We had to keep it a secret during my initiation and the war kept us from being able to go on dates or spend much time just the two of us. I suggest that maybe we should now and he tells me we should picnic in Millennium Park.

I agree as we pack a picnic basket and blanket. It's June so the weather is warm, but not too hot yet. He carries the basket and tells me Millennium Park is where we went on a date once. When we arrive, he shows me the statue we climbed.

I pull the blanket out of the basket and lay it onto the ground. We sit quietly, eating then decide to climb the statue together. "The view from here is perfect." I whisper and he pulls me close to him, kissing the top of my head.

_Heart beats fast, Colours and promises, How to be brave? How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?_ I have only had Tobias back for three days now, but I already feel I'm falling for him again. "I love you. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again" I murmur.

"I love you too and I feel like I'm falling for you again too." he replies as I lay my head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Maybe starting over again isn't all bad, maybe our relationship will be even stronger now.

_One step closer, I have died every day waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more._ We watch as the sun begins to set, not saying much but enjoying each other's company.

"We should get up before it gets dark." he tells me. "Do we have to?" I whine and he nods. I pick up the notebook when we return and begin reading.

_The next day after Tris' first fear simulation, I went out drinking with Zeke and Shauna because I needed a distraction. I was so drunk that night that I called Tris over in front of her friends and told her she looked good._

_The next day in her fear simulation, she found herself in a glass box and managed to break the glass which Dauntless can't do. It was when I first knew she was like me and I knew I had to do everything I could to protect her. Divergent._

_She wouldn't tell me when I asked her. I knew she probably wouldn't since Divergence had to be hidden and it was dangerous if anyone found out. I hated having to continue to run her through the fear simulations, but I had to as I was an instructor._

_When I posted the stage two rankings, I could feel the tension in the air. Tris moved from sixth place to first. I couldn't sleep that night, too nervous so I went to work in the control room since I couldn't sleep anyway and I'm glad I did._

_I saw a girl with blonde hair screaming as three dark figures attacked her and held her over the chasm. I ran and managed to punch and kick Drew as the others ran. I then pulled Tris over the railing of the chasm and carried her to my apartment._

_She was unconscious when we arrived so I set her down gently and began washing the blood from my hands. I realized then that I liked and cared for Tris more than an intimate and wondered if she felt the same way about me._


	13. Hurt

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope you're having a great weekend. I was only able to get one chapter done but I hope you like it. Enjoy!**_

Tobias' POV

One Week Later

It's been a week since Tris started taking the memory reversal serum and doing at least one memory simulation a day. The memories aren't always pretty; she's had to re-experience watching her parents die, the experience in Erudite, and my betrayal of her and Uriah by siding with Nita.

I've noticed that sometimes even when the serum wears off that she acts like what she sees is still happening. It's only when she has a negative memory so I always know when it happens. At night, there are the nightmares that wake us with her screams.

She's gotten to the part of my notebook about the fear landscapes so we are going to return to Dauntless so she can see both of ours'.

"Ready to go?" I ask her and she nods. We board the train and I resist the urge to hold her hand or be any sort of affection. We've made progress, but I don't want to rush things or make her feel uncomfortable.

I can't resist though and so I end up asking if I can hold her hand. I take it in my mine and enjoy the moment, never wanting to let go but I do so that we can jump off. We are silent as I lead her to the fear landscape room.

"Which do you want to go through first, Tris?" I ask her while I get the syringes and equipment setup. "Yours'." she answers and I smile. "I figured as much." I grin. I let her inject me just as last time and everything goes dark as the simulation begins.

We are on the roof of a building, the wind and ground below us terrifying me. My heart rate quickens at what I know we have to do: jump off the building. "We have to jump." I tell her and she holds my hand in hers' as we jump together.

Next, I'm in the familiar box that slams against my spine. "Breathe, Tobias. You're okay." she whispers as we crouch together and wait for the next fear. I see Tris bleeding and realize I have to watch her die.

I had this fear before, but I wasn't sure if it's still true. I watch as her eyes shut and her body stiffen; knowing that I never want to watch this happen in real life. "It's not real." she tells me. "I know it's not, but I don't like seeing it. I never want a to be real. Promise me that it never will be." I reply.

"I promise. I want to stick around as long as possible and cause trouble." she laughs and I smile as I see a glimpse of the old Tris. I keep hoping she'll come back and be who I once knew and loved.

I know that it probably isn't very realistic to think that though. My last fear has changed as well since I am no longer afraid of Marcus. I am him. I am afraid of becoming him. I see myself with the black pits for eyes he used to have and swing a belt at Tris' bare flesh.

I stand between myself and Tris as she also tries to wrestle the bell away. The simulation ends, but I find myself upset by it. I am not Marcus, yet I worry Tris might see me differently now. As if reading my mind, Tris says "Tobias, you are not him. You could never be like him. I may not remember everything, but I know this." while standing on her tiptoes and kissing my cheek.

I have seen small pieces of her former self that give me hope. I don't know if either of us will ever be the same as we once were; time and the effects of war have hurt us both. Yet I can't help but feel that we can be renewed and become stronger.

As we catch our breath together, we prepare to go through Tris' landscape. I let her inject me again as everything goes black. We are in the all too familiar field of crows that peck us relentlessly.

I am surprised though to see Tris begin to shoot them with a gun until the entire field fades away. She's always been brave to me although the moment manages to stun me. We go through the fear of the glass box, drowning, and Peter and others burning her while she's tied to a post.

The next three are surprising however as they have changed. One of her fears is learning that I am dead and Caleb did not go into the Weapons Lab. It feels less like a fear and more of a memory to me.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper in her ear as I watch in the simulation how she sinks to her knees and sobs. Caleb enters the room and I can see the hurt and anger in her eyes as she shouts "It should have been you! Why wasn't it you?".

I feel helpless as I watch, my heart breaking to think that she was in so much agony over my "death". She cries and sobs hysterically into my shirt and all I can do is to hold her in my arms while she cries.

"It's not real, it's not true. I'm still here with you." I murmur softly. "It was real though for two years. We all thought it was. I can't go through that again, don't leave me!" she trembles while trying to resume breathing normally.

"I won't because I can't put you through that again either." I reply, trying to steady her. Her next fear seems like a memory too in which she takes the memory serum. I watch her palms shake as she pours the vial into her mouth.

In the simulation, she sees me enter the room but she doesn't remember me. That is the fear, I think, losing all memories of me.

Finally, we get to the fear where she has to shoot someone. Instead of her family this time, it's me. She pulls the trigger and the bullet "kills" her. We wake up together shortly after. I try to read her thoughts and expression but I can't.


	14. I Am Coming Back

_**A/N: Hey readers, sorry for the delay in updating! I hope you like this chapter. As I have seen many other writers do, I will also be posting this chapter in an M-rated version as well for those that prefer it. You can find the M-rated version at s/13240722/1/Remember-Me-M-Rated-ChaptersThere is also a quote from Insurgent in this chapter, but I don't own any of the Divergent series and only my ideas. Enjoy!**_

Tris' POV

Three Months Later

It's been about three and a half months since Tobias return and I have worked to get my memory back. I feel like I'm starting to make some progress and I really do love him. He has been so kind and patient with me.

I find myself remembering certain memories like when I turned myself into the Erudite or some of the attack on Abnegation. I know how my parents died and how I met Tobias and Christina. I still don't know who I am or was which frustrates me.

I don't know who I am or who I want to be. Starting over can be good, but it's also bad in that I have to find a new identity for myself. I need some answers so we are going to visit Caleb to get some idea of my childhood and life before I met Tobias.

Even after the daily serums, things still feel a blur in some ways. I have re-experienced memories, but it isn't quite the same as remembering them as they were. Tobias has been loving, sweet, and patient yet I know that it would be difficult for anyone to wait as long as he has.

Caleb greets us as we enter Erudite Headquarters and I am relieved that he is here. "Hello Beatrice, to what do I owe the pleasure?" he greets as I tell him about the serums and how I want to remember more of my life.

"We have found a way to restore memory though I must warn you that it is intense. It's a serum that targets the amygdala and the hippocampus; the emotional part of your brain and that which stores memories so it targets the highly emotional memories first and the others." he replies.

"I don't care, I'm willing to do anything." I tell him. He tries to cut me off, but seems to realize I'm serious as I see him retrieve a syringe full of serum. "Your mind will go to the most emotional memories first before remembering the rest of the gaps, ready?" he says as I nod and he plunges the needle into my neck.

First, it is dark and then I see myself leaving the day of the choosing ceremony and notice the look of contempt my father wears. Next, I'm in my first simulation with the crows and beat them off of me as Tobias tries to help calm me.

The next two are memories I'd rather forget but know have to get through. I encounter someone I recognize as Will, I watch myself try to talk to him and wake him, but he tries to shoot at me and I have to kill him.

I then run as my mother shoots into the open sky to divert attention and see her fall to her knees and die. I find myself in Candor where I tell Tobias and Christina that I killed Will and they are both quite upset. I am in Dauntless thereafter as I see Hector, Marlene, and another young girl try to jump off a roof and I step into Erudite to stop the needless deaths.

Last, I see Tobias and I say goodbye as I prepare to tell Uriah's family about him while he goes into the Weapons Lab in my place. I return to the the Bureau as Cara tells me of Tobias' death and I feel the pain of his loss; imagining that erasing my memory must have been because of the agony I felt.

When I open my eyes, everything comes flooding back: My initiation and how I fell in love, my family, my friends, my fears. I find both Tobias and Caleb starting at me, wide-eyed and hopeful. "I remember everything now." I whisper, unsure of what else to say or do.

Caleb leaves the room and I crash my lips into Tobias', wrapping my arms around him as we are both lost in the moment. We pull away breathless and locked in each other's eyes. I want more, I want so much more but I know this isn't the time or place.

"That's my girl." Tobias laughs as he puts an arm around my shoulders and leads me forward toward the door to home. I spend the walk home feeling happy and relieved of the stress in trying to get my memory back.

We walk into the house and he pins me against the door as we continue what we were doing earlier. I feel the taut muscles of his arms hold me as I run my fingers through his hair. "Tris, we should stop soon. I don't want to pressure you into anything you're not ready for." he breathes.

"No, don't." I tell him. "I don't want to stop. I want you. I've waited long enough." I reply, gasping as he nibbles on my ear. "You gotta stop doing that!" he exclaims. "What?" I ask, taking his face in my hands "Saying things that make me want to kiss you." he answers.

"Then I should keep doing that." I tease. "I want you, Tobias. I love you." "I love you too." he replies while continuing to kiss me. Our kisses grow hungrier and more passionate as we are soon undressing each other.

I take in the sight of his muscular, sculpted body. "Are you sure, Tris?" he asks once more and I nod enthusiastically. Soon, we get lost in each other and fall asleep within each other's warmth. When I wake the next morning, I feel happier than I have in years.

I have my memory and the love of my life back and that is all I need right now. I get dressed to find Tobias in the kitchen already making breakfast. "Good morning." I greet. "Good morning, Tris. Are you hungry?" he asks as my stomach growls.

"I'll take that as a yes." he answers for me and I find myself staring at him. He's shirtless and I can't seem to take my eyes off of him. I sigh louder than I intended to and he laughs. "You're very distracting when you're shirtless." I murmur.

"Only for you, Tris. Only for you." he replies and I laugh as I stab a bite of eggs with my fork. How did I get so lucky to have this; this life with him? I don't know, but I want more of it and I am never letting go.


	15. Love Don't Die

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope y'all have had a fabulous weekend. This chapter and the next chapter have a little bit of drama and mixed with fluff. They both also have some quotes from Insurgent and Allegiant mixed in, but I don't own the Divergent series or its characters. Enjoy!**_

Tobias' POV

Having Tris back the past few weeks has been incredible. It's a relief to finally have "my" Tris back. I have gone to see my mother twice; the first time was a bit like when I first reunited with Tris with shock and disbelief.

Since then, I've tried to continue rebuilding a relationship with my mother as well but that is easier said than done especially when your mother thought you were dead for two years. It also still seems odd living without factions as I don't quite know where I fit into the world now.

Am I Four, former Dauntless prodigy and instructor, or Tobias Eaton from Abnegation or both? I'm not sure yet. Tris has gone back to working at the café and I work for Johanna, mostly doing computer and surveillance work.

It's not quite what I see myself doing forever, but it's something to keep myself occupied. Sometimes I visit the former Dauntless headquarters, but it doesn't feel the way it once did. It's lost the feeling of power I once felt there as Four.

I finish inputting the data from folders assigned to me for the day and watch Tris on camera during a 15 minute break from work. I don't like invading her privacy though and feel uneasy about watching her when she doesn't know I am.

I turn to watch the rest of the city like I once did before in the control room. People watching has always kind of fascinated me; the way people act when they don't know you're watching them. Occasionally, if I am bored enough, I will see people and imagine what their lives are like; what they're doing, and why.

There isn't much for me to see and do today though so I am lost in thought. I wonder what Tris is doing and what has day has been like. I've been concerned for her lately as she's tired, pale, and nauseous. She is everything is fine, but I don't really believe her.

Maybe I am overreacting, maybe she really is fine but maybe she isn't too. I don't know. I push my thoughts aside as I prepare to leave work for my lunch break. I am going to the café to surprise Tris and have lunch there; maybe with her.

I grab my jacket and holler to let Johanna know I'm leaving and should be back by one o'clock. I don't anticipate having much to do the rest of the day though with how slow it's been. I close the door and head out on the short walk.

It's September and the air is cool and brisk; colorful leaves don the trees and I feel the crunch of leaves as I walk. I've always liked fall; the cooler weather and the beauty of the trees as the leaves change color.

Next month is a holiday that I've never celebrated, but look forward to: Halloween. Dressing up in costumes, eating candy. I want to dress up with Tris though I have no idea what we would wear.

I open the door to the cafe as the bells on the door chime to announce my arrival. I follow the hostess, Monica, to a table as I wait in anticipation to see Tris. I see her as she sets a menu down on the table without looking up at me.

She takes my drink order and finally realizes from the sound of my voice that it's me. "Tobias, what are you doing here?" she asks excitedly. "Hoping to see you here while I eat lunch, ma'am." I smirk at her.

"I'm here!" she exclaims. "I mean I'll be right back with your drink, sir." she teases as she disappears out of sight. As promised, she returns promptly and takes my order. I wait for my food as I take a drink and wait for her to reappear.

I have to admit it does slightly amuse me to see Tris in this way; knowing her personality and strength that I did not expect her to use waiting tables but if it makes her happy then I can't argue.

Tris returns a few minutes holding a plate of food and setting it in front of me. I thank her and begin digging in. It smells delicious, but I notice something seems amiss with her. I ask if she's okay and she brushes me off, so I eat and tell myself to stop worrying though I still sense something is wrong.

I watch as Tris moves around the café; refilling drinks, taking orders, and collecting payment. I am just about finished with my meal as I fumble for the wallet in my pocket when I see Tris' eyes roll into her head and she begins to lose her balance.

The muscles in her arms stiffen and I see her drop the tray of food she was holding fall; spilling water and food everywhere as the plates and glass break. She starts to fall, but I move quickly and catch her before she falls.

I set her down gently on the floor while the rest of her body shakes and jerks uncontrollably. I hold my breath and wait for it to be over; feeling helpless as I do. Christina comes over and tells me she can drive us to the hospital in her truck, so I gently carry Tris and place her in the truck bed where I kneel beside her.

I don't want to leave her even if it's only five feet away. I'm alarmed when I see her muscles tense yet again and the rest of her body begin to twitch and shake like it did only moments ago. I let out a panicked yell at Christina to drive faster as I try to keep myself calm.

"Tris, please be okay. Please be okay. I love you." I whisper as her body is still again. I brush some of the hair away from her face and notice how much younger and smaller she looks in sleep. Sometime, I still forget to look for the gentler parts of her. For so long all I saw was the strength, standing out like the wiry muscles in her arms.

We finally reach Erudite where I help carry her inside and place her on a stretcher where a doctor whisks her away. I slide down the wall and sit, head in my hands as I wait to hear whether or not she's okay. Everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more that I can't imagine going through life without her.

Is this the way she felt when I was gone? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.


	16. I'm the Only One

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope you enjoy this chapter. You can read the T-version of it here or the M-rated available on my profile under Remember Me (M-rated Chapters). I don't go into graphic detail in the M-rated versions, but it's slightly more than T. I also have a few different M-rated fics too. Enjoy!**_

Tris' POV

When I open my eyes, I'm surrounded by white which seems odd. I can't seem to remember how I got here; everything appears kind of fuzzy in my memory. I look to my right and see Tobias slumped over in a chair next to me.

I'm in a gown in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm. The bags connected to the IV pump read "Potassium Chloride, Sodium Chloride, and Normal Saline in big letters. I try to piece together what happened myself while Tobias is sleeping.

He looks exhausted, so I don't dare wake him. I remember going to work at the café and Tobias meeting me there during his lunch break. I hadn't been able to keep breakfast down or even water alone. I gather that I must be very dehydrated from that, but that is all I can figure out.

My head hurts and I feel tired myself so I decide to go back to sleep for now. The sound of people talking rouses me next. I hear Tobias and another voice I don't recognize talking and even arguing at times.

Words like severely dehydrated, seizure, and pregnant catch my attention; the last one catches my attention especially. My eyes begin to flutter open and I see Tobias with red eyes like he's been crying and a doctor in the room.

"Finally decided to rejoin the world, Tris? I'm so glad you're okay, don't ever scare me like that again!" Tobias murmurs as he kisses my cheek. The doctor moves closer to me as well and introduces himself as Dr. Smith.

"You did give us all quite a scare, Tris, but you're okay now. Have you had any severe nausea lately?" the doctor asks and I nod. I know Tobias isn't going to be happy with me, but I push the thought out of my mind as Dr. Smith tells me I am in fact about five weeks pregnant and have Hyperemesis Gravidarum, severe morning sickness that caused me to become very dehydrated and seize.

He also tells me that anti-nausea drugs can help and I will need to readjust my diet too with bland foods and lots of fluids from things like Gatorade to help restore hydration and electrolytes.

I have to stay until the IV fluids finish and the nausea is under control. Dr. Smith then leaves the room and Tobias and I are alone. "Tris." I keep staring away from him, not wanting to confront him yet. "Tris." I finally look at him. "I just don't want to lose you."

"What are you talking about? Of course you're not going to lose me!" I cry. "How do you know, Tris? You scared the hell out of me and didn't say a word about what was going on even when I asked." he replies.

"Because I didn't want to worry you and I can take care of myself." I answer. "Have you ever thought that maybe I can decide that for myself and what I can handle? I had to watch you seize twice, you almost fell and hit your head and would have if I wasn't there. I was terrified because I had no idea what was going on. Please, it's not fair to me." he pleads.

As much as I hate to admit it, he might be right. If our roles were reversed, I would be terrified and angry too. "I understand, I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I whisper as a stray tear rolls down my cheek and he wipes it away with his thumb.

"It's okay, Tris. Just no more secrets, alright?" he answers softly, kissing the top of my head. "I wasn't sure how you would feel about the baby, you know." I tell him. "Honestly, I am always going to be a little scared knowing my parents, but I love you and I have wanted to have a family with you for a long time. It's one of the things that helped me get through my time in the Bureau." he says and I think about the notebook we shared; there was a section that detailed our future together including having a family.

"Tris, there's another reason I came to the café today. I came to see you of course, but I also wanted to give you this." he says and I gasp as I watch him get down on one knee, close to the side of my bed.

"Beatrice Elizabeth Prior, I have loved you for so many years and I realized that I don't ever want to live without you. You are beautiful, strong, and selfless and I love you so much. Will you marry me?" he asks as I clasp a hand over my mouth as happy tears flow and I say yes.

He slides the ring onto my finger and I couldn't be happier to be his future ring is a simple gray with 4+6=10 with a black diamond in the center. We are cleared to leave the hospital a few hours later and I am ordered to rest and avoid stress as much as possible for the next few days.

We walk hand-in-hand as the train appears and Tobias scoops me up in his arms as I am running to prepare to jump. "I don't want you to hurt yourself." he murmurs in my ear as I bury my face in his neck and we board the train.

He sits and gently places me in his lap. I kiss his cheek which causes me to want more and I feel his lips on mine as our kisses grow hungrier and more passionate. "Wait until we get home." he whispers then carries me inside and sets me down on the kitchen counter as we resume kissing.

Things go further than I intended and we end up falling asleep later, bare in each other's arms. I am his, and he is mine, and it has been that way all along and how it always will be. We will be complete and grow together forever.


	17. Bleeding Out

_**A/N: Hi everyone, hope you're having a great weekend. This chapter does deal with some mature themes towards the end with rape and kidnapping, but it isn't very graphic or anything like that. I considered writing this in M too, but I didn't really want to share that much detail too. Anyway, if you're sensitive to either topic, you may want to skip this chapter. Enjoy!**_

Tris' POV

I'm going back to work today after recovering from some of the morning sickness I've had finally seems to be tampering off. I know Christina will probably have a million questions for me, so I'm bracing myself for that too.

I decide to walk to work since the weather is nice today and enjoy some peace and quiet before my work day starts. I walk in and take my ring off as I start washing my hands when Christina enters the room as well.

She pauses for a moment, eyeing the ring near me on the counter. "Oh my god! Is that what I think it is? She asks then squeals when I nod. "I'm so happy for you guys!" she squeals, holding me into a tight hug.

"When did he-" she begins to ask as I interrupt her. "Right before I left the hospital. I got really dehydrated from severe morning sickness." I tell and she is excited yet again from my pregnancy.

"I see you finally got over your fear. What is he like?" she smirks and I feel my cheeks turn red. "Christina!" I scold, putting my ring back on and preparing for the day. The morning is slow, but traffic picks up quickly during the lunch rush.

By the time it's over, I'm exhausted and I haven't eaten anything since breakfast so I take some leftover food and head to a table outside for my break. Christina joins me and tells me excitedly that we need to start wedding planning and shopping.

I've never been someone who wants a fancy, over-the-top wedding though. I tell her that I want something simple which seems to disappoint her a little. She's also been dating the cook from work named Daniel, but it's nothing serious yet.

The rest of the workday is a blur and before I know it, my shift is over. I fill a to-go cup with some soda and ice, sipping it on the way out. I turn in my apron and sign out. The sun is just beginning to set when I leave.

I take my time and walk slowly to enjoy some of the weather. I wonder how Tobias' day back at work went. It's hard for me to picture him doing more than an initiation instructor. We haven't really discussed the wedding yet, but I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

I stop for a moment to catch my breath when a hand clamps over my mouth. At first, I think maybe it is Tobias wanting to surprise me with something but it isn't. I elbow the dark figure in the stomach and they groan, releasing me. I send a quick text to Tobias so he knows what is happening.

I run, afraid for my life when I hear a familiar voice say "Didn't think I would let you go that easily, did you? You're never going to see your fiancé again" I look up to see who it is. It's Peter. "What do you want from me?" I spit as I knee him in the groin, but he yanks my arm and pulls me back towards him.

My eyes widen as I feel the pinch of a needle enter my veins as Peter pulls the plunge. I order myself to stay awake and keep fighting as I thrash and try to escape. It's useless though as I feel my consciousness slipping and everything goes black.

When I wake, I find I'm in a dark room. I'm on a cold, tiled floor naked and Peter is on top of me. I try to scream for help, but Peter orders me to shut up or else he will cut me. He holds a knife to my throat as I squirm and try to push him off of me.

He seems to notice this and pushes more of his weight on me to hold me in place. I cry out from the pain as he screams at me to shut up and forces himself on me. I feel myself begin to fall unconscious again though I don't fight it this time.

When I regain consciousness again, I'm alone on a bed still naked and sore. I find a sheet and use it to cover myself as I hear footsteps growing closer. It's not Peter I see, it's David. "Hello, Tris. You didn't think I would have given up on ruining your life, did you? See I figured since you didn't die and Tobias didn't that I should try again. I had help of course." he tells me with a sinister smile.

"There's someone else I want you to meet that never really died." he says, opening the door to reveal someone I never hoped to see again either. Eric. How is he still alive? "That bullet Four fired to try to kill me didn't succeed and the Candor got me medical attention before it killed me. Good to see you again, Tris."

"I hope you die for real this time." I seethe. "Still angry with me, huh? No problem. I hope you die too. Be brave, Tris." he answers coldly. I'm not sure what he means until I see it. A gun. He clicks the bullets into place and turns the safety off.

I try to wrestle it away from him, but he turns the gun on me. It fires into my chest first then my back and finally my leg and I fall backwards onto the floor. A pool of blood surrounds me and I only think of Tobias and our unborn child, thinking about how much I would have liked to have a life with them.

The pool of blood around me grows larger and everything goes black as I whisper "I'm sorry." to the child I'll never meet.


	18. Stay with Me

_**A/N: Hi, here's the next chapter for y'all. I may or may not write and post more tomorrow. I've been super busy with finishing the semester and getting ready to study abroad for a year beginning in July (Melbourne, Australia!). This chapter deals with what happened to Tris from the last chapter and has an Insurgent (book) reference at the end. I don't own, any of the Divergent trilogy, or its characters. Enjoy!**_

Tobias' POV

I'm leaving work when I get a text from Tris that says "Help! Someone is trying to kidnap me.". I send what feels like fifty texts back, but she doesn't see or respond to any of them which means something must be very wrong.

I rush home and she isn't there. Christina saw her leave work and nothing seemed wrong then. I call Caleb who hasn't seen her either. Where could she be? What happened to her? I remember that the outside of the café and other places have cameras, so I head back to work to check them.

I rewind the tapes to about an hour ago when she would have started to get ready to leave work. I watch her leave about half an hour later and she looks okay there, so I check the cameras en route to the house.

About the same time as the text, I see someone put their hand over her mouth. Peter. I watch horrified as she tries to escape from him, but he injects her with something and carries her away. After that, I can't find where they go.

I have to find her. I try to track her phone and the signal ends around Amity, near the fence. The fence! That's where she has to be. I drive to Amity and past the fence as fast as I can. I stop at the airport and get out, thinking she must be here somewhere.

I go down the old hallway where I was held all those years. This has to be David's plan. I am about to give up on the doors in this hallway after finding each room empty. The last one has something barricading it; I kick the door open and find her there.

She's been shot. I find her lying unconscious in a pool of blood. "Tris?" I whisper softly. She rouses slightly "Tobias? Get me out of here." she murmurs. "I will, but stay with me. Do not close your eyes. I need you to try to stay awake. I'm going to have to carry you and it's going to hurt, I'm sorry" I reply as I pick her up bridal style and cover her with the sheet she has since I don't see any clothes around and my worst fears are realized.

She moans slightly as I carry her out to my truck. I try to set her down gently in the passenger seat. I start driving quickly and ask her what happened. "Peter, Eric, and David." she gulps. "Peter kidnapped me into the Bureau and then raped me. David and Eric were there when I woke up and Eric shot me and they left me to die." she trembles and I hold her hand in mine.

I feel angry at what happened to her, but I am glad that I found her when I did. "I didn't think I was going to see you again." she cries. "I am never going to leave you again, remember? I mean that." I whisper.

We are close to the former Abnegation sector when I notice she starts slipping. "Tris? Tris, wake up!" I yell as I shake her. "I can't stay awake, too dizzy and tired." she says as I notice how much she's been bleeding.

I drive faster towards Erudite and the hospital as Tris falls unconscious. I carry her inside and place her on a stretcher while she is whisked away just like weeks before. I sit alone, feeling terrified and helpless.

I go to the bathroom and try to wash the blood off my hands. I pace the waiting room when I can't sit still. I grow tired and must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, a doctor is shaking me awake.

"How is she?" I ask, slightly startled. "She's still in critical condition right now, but we were able to remove the bullets and stop the blood loss. We also took a rape kit shortly before surgery and it does show that unfortunately, Ms. Prior was sexuality assaulted as you told us. She's unconscious as we want to give her body some time to rest and recover, you can see her now if you want." the doctor tells me and leads me into the ICU.

When I enter Tris' room, I hardly recognize her beneath all the tubes and wires. She's pale and looks so much more vulnerable than I have seen her. I hold her cold hand as I sit next to bed, wondering why any of this happened.

I give her hand and forehead a kiss before setting up a cot to sleep for the night, hoping things improve in the morning. I am awakened the next morning by the sound of her ventilator alarming and I am frightened by it at first until the nurse tells me Tris is starting to breathe against it.

I leave the room for a moment as they pull the tube from her throat and remove the ventilator. It makes her look a little more like herself without it and they reduce the sedation so she should wake up today.

She will have to stay in the hospital for a few more days just to make sure everything is okay after the extensive surgeries she had. They tell me it'll be a few hours until she wakes up so I go home to shower and rinse the rest of the blood from my body and eat before I return.

I tell Christina how she is and that she will need rest before more visitors can come as I leave. I return to Tris' room and wait to see if anything will happen. I hold her hand and this time, she squeezes back.

"Tris, are you awake?" I ask softly and am soon greeted by those beautiful blue-gray eyes I love so much. The first thing that comes out from her is, "Beatrice." "Beatrice.: I laugh. "Ho are you feeling?"

"Like I got shot." she replies. "Wel, yeah." I chuckle. "Good to see your sense of humor is still intact."


	19. Brave

_**A/N: Hi readers, here are a couple chapters I managed to finish from the weekend. I didn't set out to address the topics of things like sexual assault and trauma but the story sort of became that way. As I've done in my last story/series Dauntless Dance (which mostly focused on eating disorders), I'll be addressing some serious topics like trauma and PTSD which can be so misunderstood and misrepresented and mixing this with a bit of FourTris fluff. I always like to try to keep my stories realistic and this one is no exception. Whew, sorry for the super long note. Enjoy!**_

_**Did You Know?**_

_**Free 24/7 hotlines are available for victims of sexual abuse and/or assault. **_

_**In the U.S., RAINN (Rape Abuse, & Incest National Network) offers a free 24/7 hotline via phone at 800-656-4673 or online **_at .org

_**In Canada, Women's Sexual Assault Centre hotline: 250-383-3232 serves British Columbia. Rape Crisis Center hotline: 613-562-2333 serves all other Canadian Providences.**_

_**In the U.K., the national hotline number is 0808 802 9999 (open daily from 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm UK time). **_

_**You can also find options for sexual assault victim hotlines in other countries at:**_

Some of the main symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) include:

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks and upon being reminded of the event through triggers

Withdrawal resulting from numbing (feeling no emotions of any kind and even feeling emotionally dead); loss of interest in life

Avoidance of anything that reminds the person of the assault, including talking about it

Heightened arousal, which involves jumpiness/startling easily, hypervigilant watchfulness for signs of danger, sleep problems, difficulty concentrating and remembering things, irritability, anger

Tris' POV

It's been a couple of days since I got home from the hospital. I haven't been sleeping great. I either wake up screaming or panting and drenched in sweat. Tobias hasn't gone back to work yet and neither have I.

Tomorrow, I have to go to Candor to testify under truth serum against David, Peter, and Eric. I don't want to do it, but I also know they need to pay for what they did. Today, we have to return to the hospital for follow-up and my first ultrasound.

I can't sleep and it's too early to wake Tobias, so I start cleaning the house to try to calm my nerves. I finally get tired after awhile and lay on the couch, closing my eyes to try to sleep again. It isn't restful though as I have another nightmare.

I see myself after Eric shoots me, yet this time Tobias doesn't come save me in time. I bleed out alone and wake drenched in sweat. A concerned looking Tobias greets me when I open my eyes and I sit up as he holds me until I am calm.

"Another nightmare?" he asks softly and I nod as the tears begin to flow. "It's okay, you're safe here." he repeats soothingly. "In my nightmare, you didn't save me and I bled out." I whisper. "I need to go take a shower and get ready."

After I'm showered and dressed, I meet Tobias in the dining room where I have some eggs and toast. Tobias drives us to the hospital and we wait until my name is called. "Beatrice?" a young female doctor says as I follow her into an exam room.

I lie on a table and pull my shirt up as she moves the ultrasound wand around my belly. Tobias holds my hand and we both have tears in our eyes as we listen to the baby's heartbeat. I am given some prenatal vitamins and am ordered to return in about a month for another ultrasound.

The ride home is quiet and awkward. Tobias knows what happened, but we still haven't talked about it and it becoming like the elephant in the room. "Look, I know what we're both thinking about so let's just talk already." I say, trying to be bold.

"I was so scared, Tris. I was afraid that I had lost you. I can't do that, I can't lose you." he replies and I take a deep breath as I try to figure out how to respond. "I thought I had too and I don't know how it'll take me to get over this."

"I'll be here for all of it, no matter what." he whispers and I feel my heart swell as I tell him I love him. We enter the house and we kiss passionately. He goes to remove my shirt, but I stop him before he does.

"I'm sorry, I just can't do that yet." I whimper as he goes to kiss me again and I push him away. Suddenly, it's not Tobias I see but Peter. "Leave me alone!" I yell, punching him in the stomach and running away.

I run until I'm alone in an abandoned alley. I sink to my knees and hug them to my chest as I try to convince myself that it's not real. I can't breathe, I can't think. My body trembles and I can't seem to stop it.

Tobias finds me and tells me it's him, whatever I'm seeing and feeling isn't real, and that I am safe. He wraps a blanket around me and I lay my head on his chest, feeling safe and loved. He skims through the hair at the top of my head as my body and mind relax.

He carries me home and gently sets me on the bed, holding me as I fall asleep from the exhaustion I feel. I have a peaceful night with no dreams or nightmares. I wake the next morning with a stream of sunlight peaking in.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty. Did you sleep well?" Tobias asks, pushing a tray of food towards me. "I did, finally. Thank you for breakfast." I answer, biting into a piece of toast. I finish breakfast and get dressed, meeting Tobias outside for the drive to Candor.

"Are you ready, Tris?" Tobias asks on the way there. "Read as I'll ever be." I reply, feeling my anxiety grow at the thought of seeing my attackers again. "Be brave, Tris." he whispers in my ear and kisses my forehead.

We enter Candor together hand-in-hand just like we did last time we were here as I am ushered away into the questioning area. I see Niles again and ask to inject myself with the serum. I hold the syringe, hands shaking and pull the plunger.

I can do this. I'm strong. I'm divergent and I can't be controlled, I tell myself as I see Peter, Eric, and David watching me as I look towards the audience area. "Good to see you again, Tris. Just like last time, I will ask you some basic questions as the serum takes effect." Niles tells me and I gulp.

_"What is your name?" he says. The second he asks the question, the answer pops out of my mouth. "Beatrice Prior."_

_"But you go by Tris?" "I do."_

_"What are the names of your parents, Tris?" "Andrew and Natalie Prior."_

_"You are a faction transfer, are you not?" "Yes," I say._

_"Tris, would you please tell us what happened the day of the attack?" he asks and I feel my heart race and mouth go dry as I prepare to answer._


	20. Save Me from Myself

_**A/N: This chapter and the last use quotes from Insurgent and Allegiant, but I don't own them, any of the Divergent series, or its characters. Enjoy!**_

_**Did You Know?**_

Seven out of 10 sexual assaults are committed by someone who knows the victim.

Tobias' POV

My heart sinks as I watch Tris walk into the questioning area and be interrogated by Niles in the presence of her attackers. It seems wrong. I know she's strong, but having to go through this another time doesn't seem right.

"Tris, would you please tell us what happened the day of the attack?" Niles asks as Tris struggles to answer him. "I was walking home from work by myself. I had myself just in case when I felt a hand clamp around my mouth." she replies.

"I didn't know who it was at first. I thought maybe it was my fiancé, Four, but it wasn't." she answers, her voice struggling to stay even towards the end. "It wasn't him though. I tried to run away, but he overpowered me. Peter. He injected me with something and I lost consciousness." she finishes taking a deep breath.

"What happened next when you woke up?" Niles asks. "I was alone with Peter. I was naked and he was on top of me. He threatened me with a knife to keep me still and silent while he raped me. I eventually lost consciousness again from the pain." she trembles and I have to fight the urge to run over and hold her; shielding her from the rest of the world.

"When I woke the next time, I was alone laying on a bed when David and Eric came in. Eric shot me three times and they left. My fiancé finally found me and brought me to the hospital." she sobs and is excused.

Eric, Peter, and David will also have to testify under truth serum, but Tris and I both decided yesterday that neither of us want to see it. The hard part is over at least as I follow Tris to the lobby and wrap my arms around her.

"You did so good. You were brave." I murmur into her hair. We part and she asks "What if it isn't enough? What if nothing happens to them and it was all worthless?" and I see the fear in her eyes.

"Shh. I'll make sure they pay. I'm on good terms with my mother after all." I tell her and it's true. While I don't know if my mother and I will ever have a normal relationship, we have been trying to work on it and stay in contact.

"Come on, I want to take you somewhere." I say, leading her back to the truck and driving to Millennium Park. I open the door and pull out a blanket and picnic basket I've stowed away. I set out the blanket and the picnic basket.

It's warm, sunny day as I recall our first official date here. This place has always been special to my since then. We eat quietly and I know what Tris must be thinking about. Tomorrow, we both have to go back to work which means she'll have to face more fears without me.

I know I have to try to fight her own battles; that I won't always be there to comfort her. It's not easy watching her go through the nightmares, the fears that she isn't yet able to overcome. "I know what you're thinking about." I whisper.

"I don't want to go back, I don't know if I can." she replies and I know. The night isn't restful for either of us because Tris has several nightmares that wake us both. During each one, I try to wake her gently and tell her it's just a nightmare.

I make Tris and I breakfast in the morning before leaving for the day. Christina walks her to work and I drive her home after work. I meet a very anxious-looking Tris in the evening. About halfway home, I notice her breathing quicken.

"That's where it happened; where he took me." she gulps, pointing to a spot on the uneven pavement. "Tris, stay with me. You're okay now, you're with me." I tell her, but it doesn't seem to help.

When we arrive at home, she runs inside and closes the door before I can even get there. She pants and sits on the floor with her knees pulled up to her chest. "Tris, I know you're scared but I really think you should get some help with this or at least talk to me about it." I plead.

I hate seeing her this way; it's not fair. "Yeah? Maybe I'm not ready to. Maybe I'm not ready to face it." she scoffs. "So that's it, you're just gonna avoid it forever?" I ask frustrated. We both have anger and fight inside of us. Sometimes it keeps us alive. Sometimes it threatens to destroy us like it does now.

"You don't understand. You didn't go through what I did!" she screams through gritted teeth before collapsing into a sob. "I didn't, but I know what it's like to live in crippling fear of being hurt again. I know that pain; the one that never seems to subsidy even in sleep." I answer back as I crouch beside her; wiping away her tears with my thumb.

No matter how long you train someone to be brave, you never know if they are or not until something real like this happens and even in her moments of weakness, I see strength. I see bravery.

"You can beat this. You're still the bravest person I know." I reply as I help her up. I may not know everything, but I know her. I know she can; if only she can find that strength to do it. Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't always escape that damage.

But now, I am learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other to live with that damage and that's what I think we will do. We figure it out together somehow it seems.

There are also so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery she must have now and I am here to support and witness it.


	21. Breathe Me

_**A/N: Hey readers, hope you've all had a great weekend. This chapter has a trigger warning for self-harm and suicide. I wanted to show the struggle one can go through following a trauma and felt it best not to shy away from these topics. Enjoy!**_

_**Did You Know?**_

The following are some of the signs that one may be depressed and/or considering suicide:

Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Suicidal thoughts and/or plan

Access to means (gun, pills, etc.)

Loss of pleasure or enjoyment in previously enjoyed activities

Isolating oneself from family and friends

A Recent Major Loss or Stressful/Traumatic Event

Feeling trapped and/or a burden to others

Feelings of Shame or Humiliation

*Note that one or a few signs may not be significant, but several may be cause for concern. Don't be afraid to ask, you could help save a life!

If you or a loved one are considering suicide, get help. In the U.S., you can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for 24/7 support at 1-800-273-8255 or text Crisis Text Line at 741741. For all other countries, please visit /resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines.

Tris' POV

I haven't been sleeping much after the attack and what little sleep I do is wracked by nightmares. I know it, Tobias knows it, but neither of us addresses it though I can tell it's frustrating him.

I wish I could make it stop more than anything. Tobias has gone back to work, but I haven't. I can't face everything just yet. Too scary; too painful. I feel like a coward. I'm supposed to be brave, yet I'm not. I've cut myself off from the rest of the world as much as possible.

I wonder what it will take to fix myself and feel whole again. My fear of intimacy has returned and I can't look at Tobias the same way. It's not his fault which makes me feel even worse not to mention the fact that I'm pregnant.

I don't think I'm going to make a very good mother, especially as I can't bring myself to leave the house lately. I know it's not healthy; that I should get help but I don't know if I can yet. I know that sounds silly and I need to get on with life. Not yet, not yet I tell myself as I sigh.

II can't bring myself to do much of anything; feeling overwhelmed and numb without any other feelings. Nothing feels worth it and I feel as though I have lost myself. I am here. I exist without purpose.

I eat, try to sleep, shower, and repeat it as I am stuck in the cycle. I keep waiting for something to change or feel different every day. When things feel too intense or numb and I am alone, I cut myself to help it.

It's wrong, but I can't stop it. It's the only thing that seems to help. No one understands me. Sometimes, it feels better to just be alone. It's not necessarily that I want to be, but it's easier than trying to explain or interact with people at times.

I remember from my time in Erudite how much I wanted to die and think about that now. I don't see the hope in things ever getting better, so I have been planning ways to attempt suicide. Death holds the promise of finality; in not having to continue to live this way.

I set out the note I've written for Tobias explaining why I am doing what I am. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone really, but I can't continue with life. It is just too hard; too much and I can't do it.

I go to the bathroom medicine cabinet and pull out a bottle of pills. I grab the bottle and carry it back to the living room with me. I cut into my arm and watch as the blood begins to flow as I open the pills and begin to swallow them to help get the job done.

I start to relax; hoping the end is near soon. I'm startled as I notice the front door opening and notice Tobias walking inside. I swallow the rest of the pills as I don't want him to stop me. "Tris?" he asks quietly, but I don't answer him.

I don't want this anymore. And what this is, I realize, is life. I don't want it. I want my parents and I have for weeks. I've been trying to claw my way back to them, and now I am so close and he is going to tell me not to.

I drop the empty pill bottle as he notices. "Tris, what the hell are you doing?" he yells. "Oh my god!" he gasps, eyeing the blood and empty bottle around me. He scoops me and I protest "No, just let me die! Please!" as I thrash about.

"No, I can't let you do that. Stay with me now." he answers. He tells me to say what I did and even though I'm reluctant at first, I do tell him about the pills and cutting. He begins to drive us to the hospital as I feel myself fading and everything goes black.

When I wake, I hear the familiar beep of the heart monitor which tells me that my plan didn't succeed. My arms are restrained so I cannot move and try again as I see a tired-looking Tobias sitting next to me.

"Why didn't you just let me die?! It's what I wanted." I yell. "Because I love you too much to let that happen. You die, I die, remember?" he answers quietly. "I can't live like this, it's too much. It's too much." I repeat as Tobias wraps me in his arms and I cry.

"It not fair to you. You don't deserve to have to go through this with me." I sob and Tobias shushes me. "Tris, I would rather go through all of this with you than not. Just promise me next time you're feeling this way, you'll tell me so we can talk about it." he whispers and I nod.

They decide to keep me in the hospital for a few days to make sure I'm okay and to start me on some meds to help with the anxiety. I am diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and prenatal depression which I agree to get treatment for.

After I am released from the hospital, I go to a residential treatment center so I can get the help I need that is called the Center for Hope. It's for women only that I expect to be at for at least a month in the former Amity sector.

It's a beautiful wooded place where I can start getting the help I need to feel better. I arrive on a Wednesday after lunch just in time for art therapy. The group leader, Rebecca, leads us in drawing and collaging things that we enjoy and make us feel safe.

I meet some of the other girls around my age there and start to feel like maybe I'm not alone in all of this after all. It will be tough to adjust to not being at home I know, but it's what I need most right now.

Tobias is planning to call and visit as much as possible and the schedule here should help keep me busy enough not to miss home too much. His last words to me at the hospital before I left were all too familiar for both of us.

Be brave, Tris.


	22. Lullaby

_**Did You Know?**_

_**One in ten births in the U.S. is premature (before 40 weeks of pregnancy).**_

Tobias' POV

One Month Later

Tris has been away at the treatment center for a month now and is well enough to return home today. The transformation she's had is huge and I'm glad to have the happy, normal Tris back now.

I couldn't imagine not having her alive after everything we have been through. I know she wasn't happy at first that she didn't die, but I was that she didn't. She is too strong and full of life not to be.

As people, we are both made of scars, physically and emotionally, that must continue to heal. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they require help to, but we help each other grow and heal from them in life.

Tris is three months pregnant now and just beginning to show. She's beautiful and glowing as I pull in to the parking lot to pick her up. It will be awhile until she is done with treatment, but I can tell she's getting better every day.

For now, she'll be home on nights and weekends while attending treatment at the hospital during the day while I'm at work and gradually decrease treatment from there. "Hey, I've missed you." I tell her as I kiss her on the cheek.

"I've missed you too." she replies as she steps into my truck. "I'm so glad to be going home today. Did you bring them for me?" she asks as I reach for the jar of pickles and give them to her. The pregnancy cravings have started, so I chuckle to myself as Tris opens the jar and begins eating them whole.

I laugh as I go inside the house and find that Tris has finished the jar of pickles, juice and all, and has started drinking lemonade. She's been craving sour foods, so I'm not surprised but it does seem odd the things she wants.

I'm not sure how to help her ease back into life and I try to support her. I can't help thinking of how just a month ago, she tried to end it all and almost did if I hasn't been there. "I know what you're thinking about. I am too, but I won't do that to you again." she whispers to me.

"Tris, I just want you to be okay. I don't want to lose you." I reply, running my fingers through her hair. We have a quiet evening together, talking and planning for the future together.

Three Months Later

Tris has finished treatment and seems to be doing well. She's started to be able to feel the baby kick which sometimes keeps her up at night, but the nightmares have gone and she seems to be getting back to her old self.

We've decided to wait to find out the baby's gender; wanting it to be a surprise for us both. The guest room has been transformed into a nursery. Christina has been taking Tris shopping for it and baby clothes constantly.

A couple of months after the baby's birth, we are planning to get married. Tris has a dress she picked out months ago and I have a tux. Zeke is going to be my best man and Christina the maid of honor.

I'm lost in thought until I hear Tris cry out in pain. She's on her knees, clutching the edge of the couch as she tries to breathe and steady herself. "Are you okay?" I ask concerned. "Fine, just a Braxton Hicks. Nothing to worry about." she answers.

I watch as her body relaxes a couple minutes later and we both sigh in relief. An hour later, I notice Tris clutching her head in pain. "I'm dizzy and my head hurts." she tells me and I grow more concerned as she continues to have contractions too.

"Tris, we need to go to the hospital. I'm worried about you and the baby, please." I plead. I help her walk out to the car, a four seater we have now, and carry the hospital bag we have packed just in case.

I try to help keep her calm on the drive to the hospital and focused on her breathing. She relaxes a little and squeezes my free hand sometimes too. "Tobias." she whimpers. "I think my water just broke."

I drive faster now, the seconds feeling like minutes now as I try to get her to the hospital as soon as possible. We arrive and as she steps out, her knees buckle underneath her so I help carry her inside.

I gently set her down on a gurney as we wait for a doctor. Tris is hooked up to a fetal heart monitor, given an ultrasound, and blood tested as we wait to find out what's going on. Sweat forms on her forehead and I hate feeling helpless as she cries out in pain.

Finally, a doctor enters the room and tells us that Tris has preeclampsia which is high blood pressure in pregnancy that has triggered premature labor. They are going to try to stop it, but it's possible the baby might be born earlier.

"No. No, it can't be. It's too early." Tris pleads and I smooth her hair down to try to comfort her. There isn't much we can do now except wait and hope that everything will be alright. We are strong and can get through anything as long as it's together.

_**A/N: Hope you have enjoyed my story so far and thank you for reading. Feel free to post in the reviews if you want the baby to be a boy or girl.**_


	23. Thanks for the Memories

_**A/N: Hi everyone, thanks for reading my story. This is the last chapter and I hope you'll like it. I used several quotes from Insurgent and Allegiant, but I don't own them or the characters. Enjoy!**_

_**Did You Know?**_

Premature babies born at 23 to 24 weeks are called micro preemies.

Tris' POV

We've been able to stave off my labor for a few days, but our baby seems set on coming early whether we want it to or not. I have preeclampsia which caused the dizziness and my blood pressure to rise. It's more risky to keep the baby in for both of us and the contractions have started again.

Tobias wants a girl that looks like me while I want a boy that resembles him. We've decided on the name Audrey Hope for a girl and Riley Anthony for a boy. The names each mean something related to hope or strength which seems most appropriate now.

I'm cleared to get up and walk around to help my labor progress, so Tobias helps me get up and I lean on him for support. Another contraction rips through me and I sink to my knees as I cry out in pain.

I breathe through it and Tobias helps me back up. "I can't do this." I whimper. "I know." I have never heard his voice sound so soft. "I know it's hard. The hardest thing you've had to do."

We move to a corner of the hallway as he continues "I can't force you. I can't make you want to survive this." He pulls me against him and runs his hand over my hair, tucking it behind my ear. His fingers trail down my neck and over my shoulder, and he says, "But you will do it. It doesn't matter if you believe you can or not. You will, because that's who you are."

I feel a renewed sense of strength from what he tells me. I can do this. I can and I will. Twelve hours later, I am finally dilated enough to start pushing. Sweat forms on my forehead as I try to breathe and end up gripping Tobias' hand the hardest I ever have.

"You can do this, just a little more." Tobias encourages as I grunt and push one more time. "It's a girl!" the doctor announces and I realize just how tiny our baby is. She isn't breathing; isn't crying as the staff try to restart her breathing and insert a tube in her throat.

She's whisked away to the NICU, the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where she will likely stay for months and Tobias follows her. I am alone as I think about what might happen to her. I refuse to accept the possibility otherwise; that we will join the parents who go home without a baby to raise.

She has to be okay; she will be I tell myself. She weighs just about a pound they tell me when I see her next. Her tiny hand grips my finger. Her small body is covered in tubes and wires everywhere as I take in her appearance.

Eventually, Tobias pulls me away to rest as we leave her bedside for the day. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally from the day and feel the pull of sleep as I return to bed. I am discharged from the hospital the next day, but our daughter will probably be here for two or more months.

Tobias and I fall into a predictable routine as I eat breakfast, pack a lunch, stay at Audrey's bedside during the day while Tobias is at work, greet him after work, go home, eat dinner, sleep, and repeat.

I watch as each day Audrey grows a little stronger, gaining weight, and weaning off the ventilator to oxygen to no breathing support. After a long two and a half months, we are finally taking her home.

I never got to decorate the nursery or have a baby shower, so our friends bought some baby supplies to help us get started and finished the nursery which is complete with a crib, changing table, and rocking chair.

I love being able to hold Audrey after having to wait so long to do so. The months seem to pass by like seconds as we are privileged to watch Audrey grow up happy and healthy. Tobias and I also get married in a small, quiet ceremony in the former section of Amity.

I fell back in love with him, a little more each day. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.

We watch as Audrey turns one then two and I am pregnant again; this time with a boy that we name Riley. It is a healthy pregnancy and we take him home with us right away. Tobias and I age too, but stay together through it all.

We're strong and nothing seems to stop us. Nothing will as long as we are together. I love having Tobias back after those two difficult years without him. Life definitely has a way of surprising you and my life is better than I ever could have imagined it.

My daughter is one of the strongest and bravest people I've ever met. I think of how strong I have become, how secure I feel with the person I now am, and how all along the way Tobias has told me that I am brave, I am respected, I am loved and worth loving.

My son on the other hand resembles his father in so many ways. He is brave, smart, and loving in the same way Tobias is. We remind our children to be brave, kind, selfless, smart, and peaceful which embodies the virtues of our former factions.

I'll say it one last time to you as well: Be brave.


End file.
